This morning in the van Emily talked my EARS off. Here's a sample of our conversation. Conversation might not be the best word since she did most of the talking & I couldn't get a word in edgewise. This part lasted about 2 minutes & is an HONEST depiction of all she said.
Emily: "Mommy, is this where the Abshires live? Do they still have kids? CACTUS! Mom, do you like tomatoes?
Mom: "Yes"
Emily: "Does Annie? Does Josh? I don't like potatoes. Do Annie & Josh like potatoes?
Mom: "Yes."
Emily: "Raise your hand if you don't like potatoes. I win because all of you would raise your hand cuz you like potatoes."
Whew! That girl.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Let the grieving begin
To say the least 2011 has been the year of grief for me. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in September of 2010 and for a solid year he fought the disease. On September 21, 2011 his battle with cancer ended when he went to be with Jesus at 9:15 p.m. He died a year to the day that we got the official diagnosis from his doctors.
His battle with cancer rocked me to the core. It was not the kind of rocking that knocked me off of my foundation, but it for sure has shaken me. In this shaking though I have found a renewed sense in God as the ultimate provider. I have found that I really can give him my raw, unfiltered emotions and he's not shocked or disgusted by them. I've found that he'd rather have those ugly things than my "right answers" that come from my knowledge of the Bible. It's in the places of gut-wrenching emotion and ugly statements that I have found the comfort of God so strongly and found the true meaning of those "right answers" I know. It's been a process of turning my white-washed tomb, pharaseical thoughts into places of genuine belief and life-giving relationship with the God who daily bears my burdens.
Today I had revelation of the goodness of God. See, throughout this journey of believing God for my dad's healing and watching him NOT get healed, but die, I've been telling myself God is good. Mostly because I had to say it over and over to believe it in the midst of hearing this question nagging me in my mind: "If God is good, why didn't he heal your dad?" This thought and question has hounded me so much over the last year and especially in the last 2 months since he died. I haven't wanted to speak it because the religious side of me was afraid to speak it. Can I really think this? My husband is on staff at ACC, we are leaders in the church. I am supposed to believe God is good even when I'm hurting. I can't question his goodness even though I am so angry that my dad died and am struggling to see how there is any good in my mom being alone now.
But today, I met God in this ugly, unbelieving place. You see, I was believing the same lie Eve believed in the garden: If God was truly good, he wouldn't keep something from you. Let me explain.
As I've been searching for the goodness of God in my dad's death I've been looking for the explanation as to why he died. Some reason that would logically explain why God didn't heal him. But today God showed me where is goodness really is. His goodness is in Jesus and heaven. His goodness is found in the fact that He comforts us as we mourn. His goodness is found each time He wipes my tears. The goodness is in His provision for grief (Is. 61). Our world is fallen because of sin. Sickness entered in and we are all touched. Loved ones die. But God in His INFINITE goodness doesn't leave us as victims. He RESCUES us not just from sin and hell, but from the hopelessness of living life in a fallen, broken world. His Goodness is our provision. Because of His goodness I have hope that I'll see Daddy in heaven. Because of His Goodness I won't be stuck in grief forever. Because of His Goodness He gives us space to mourn, grieve and cry. And also becuase of His Goodness He replaces mourning and tears with joy, dancing and laughter. All because He is good.
Today head knowledge FINALLY made it's way down to my heart. It's a day where I have not just fixed my eyes heavenward, but have really seen and experienced the HOPE by which I am called. I know this is not so big to some--pretty elementary and revolutionary to others. But it's been where I am.
So today, I will continue grieving. But will do so from a much richer and safer place--in the hammock of His goodness. And I'll rest in the fact that He will give me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning & a garment of praise for heaviness....I actually think today he handed me a garment of praise. Thank you God!
His battle with cancer rocked me to the core. It was not the kind of rocking that knocked me off of my foundation, but it for sure has shaken me. In this shaking though I have found a renewed sense in God as the ultimate provider. I have found that I really can give him my raw, unfiltered emotions and he's not shocked or disgusted by them. I've found that he'd rather have those ugly things than my "right answers" that come from my knowledge of the Bible. It's in the places of gut-wrenching emotion and ugly statements that I have found the comfort of God so strongly and found the true meaning of those "right answers" I know. It's been a process of turning my white-washed tomb, pharaseical thoughts into places of genuine belief and life-giving relationship with the God who daily bears my burdens.
Today I had revelation of the goodness of God. See, throughout this journey of believing God for my dad's healing and watching him NOT get healed, but die, I've been telling myself God is good. Mostly because I had to say it over and over to believe it in the midst of hearing this question nagging me in my mind: "If God is good, why didn't he heal your dad?" This thought and question has hounded me so much over the last year and especially in the last 2 months since he died. I haven't wanted to speak it because the religious side of me was afraid to speak it. Can I really think this? My husband is on staff at ACC, we are leaders in the church. I am supposed to believe God is good even when I'm hurting. I can't question his goodness even though I am so angry that my dad died and am struggling to see how there is any good in my mom being alone now.
But today, I met God in this ugly, unbelieving place. You see, I was believing the same lie Eve believed in the garden: If God was truly good, he wouldn't keep something from you. Let me explain.
As I've been searching for the goodness of God in my dad's death I've been looking for the explanation as to why he died. Some reason that would logically explain why God didn't heal him. But today God showed me where is goodness really is. His goodness is in Jesus and heaven. His goodness is found in the fact that He comforts us as we mourn. His goodness is found each time He wipes my tears. The goodness is in His provision for grief (Is. 61). Our world is fallen because of sin. Sickness entered in and we are all touched. Loved ones die. But God in His INFINITE goodness doesn't leave us as victims. He RESCUES us not just from sin and hell, but from the hopelessness of living life in a fallen, broken world. His Goodness is our provision. Because of His goodness I have hope that I'll see Daddy in heaven. Because of His Goodness I won't be stuck in grief forever. Because of His Goodness He gives us space to mourn, grieve and cry. And also becuase of His Goodness He replaces mourning and tears with joy, dancing and laughter. All because He is good.
Today head knowledge FINALLY made it's way down to my heart. It's a day where I have not just fixed my eyes heavenward, but have really seen and experienced the HOPE by which I am called. I know this is not so big to some--pretty elementary and revolutionary to others. But it's been where I am.
So today, I will continue grieving. But will do so from a much richer and safer place--in the hammock of His goodness. And I'll rest in the fact that He will give me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning & a garment of praise for heaviness....I actually think today he handed me a garment of praise. Thank you God!
Emily is 4
My sweet snuggle-bucket turned 4 years old this year. She is such a delight. It is fun to see her personality blossoming. Emily is such a talker; it's amazing the kinds of conversations we can have and she's just 4. She also has an AMAZING sense of humor. She keeps me in stitches constantly with her humor and her wit. For example, a few days ago she ate an ice cream cone in the car (thanks dad) and she got really messy. I told her to not worry because i had baby wipes in the car and would clean her up. As I was cleaning her she quickly declared: "Mom, you should call these Big Girl Wipes."
That is her...full of insight, humor and snuggles. I love my 4 year old girl.
New School Year
Summer of 2011
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| san antonio river walk |
2011--Where did you?
I cannot believe there are 16 days left in 2011. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. I think I would like to capture it all here and go back and put words to it all, partly so I have a good recollection in one spot instead of the multitude of journals I have filled but also because I have this crazy obsession with doing things in an orderly, chronological fashion. I don't think being chronological is an option at this point, but summation is. So the next few posts will be a summary of this year from June-December. That way, maybe in January of 2012 I can keep up with life. Maybe. :)
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